How do you find a partner who is aligned with you?
By Celine Wallace
Wellness Expert and Founder of Sattva Soul Retreats
This is a question that comes up a lot in today's society where we are continuously living in such a fast paced environment, witnessing everything through mobile devices, and as a result, spending less time making daily efforts to connect as human beings. This impacts every part of our lives from work to relationships and everything in between. So, how do you find a partner who's aligned with you if you can't even connect organically in the first place?
I genuinely believe that in life we connect with people whom we are ready for and those that come into our lives who are out of vibration are the universes way of testing us to see if we really want what we claim we do. Case in point, since I began my spiritual journey, I said to myself that I wouldn't settle for someone or get into a relationship unless it felt entirely in alignment with my soul growth. I wanted someone who is also on their own evolutionary journey, someone who I don't have to lead down this path, but is exploring their own path and thus we would compliment each other. I have a habit of getting into relationships with men who have it all from the outside, but mask the outside with whatever is going on the inside, which is usually a vortex of trauma, and one that I try and fix. To crush my habitual pattern of trying to 'fix' people in a relationship, I said, nope; no dating, no relationships, no nothing, unless I feel that person is seeking personal growth and a better life for themselves. It's the best decision I ever made, my intuition is heightened, my self-worth improved and now I can walk into a room and instantly, feel that persons energy and if we are vibrating at the same or different frequencies. Don't get me wrong no miracle got me to this stage, it was a lot of shitty dates or relationships over the years and me working on myself, defining what I wanted and didn't want, and then eventually learning to say no more than I said yes.
My personal opinion is if you're not out meeting people then there's a reason for that, maybe it's time to work on yourself first and look inward. However, if you're continuously working on yourself and feel like you're in the right place but haven't met someone then the opposite is in effect, maybe it's time to put yourself in the right place or space to connect with like-minded people. Often it's hard to put yourself into the right place and what is 'the right place,' well I would say it's wherever you would meet like-minded people, yoga classes, the gym, healthy cafes, whatever you're into. If someone is there and they're into the same things as you then you're already off to a good start. If you're online dating, then things get a bit trickier, since dating apps are such a common currency these days, but they make it harder to gauge someone's energy since they can curate an image of themselves they would like. You're probably like yeah, how do I measure someone's character or energy off social media or a dating app? Well, first of all, if they have drunk photos of themselves continuously or questionable pictures and you're already concerned and haven't even met them yet, then I would definitely take that as red flag one. If you're talking and they aren't engaging in a thought-provoking conversation, or you don't have similar interests, probably use that as a red flag and don't waste your time. If you're still drawn to meet this person in the flesh then be mindful in what way you are engaging, are you going for a drink or meeting for a coffee? What feels more organic for you? There is no right or wrong way, but your intuition and gut instinct will be talking to you the whole time saying 'Hey, this is weird' or 'Oh wow, I love this about them,' listen to those cues, because they never lie and your body feels more on a vibrational and instinctual level than you can ever logically articulate. Your body is always telling you how it feels about certain things and if you listen to those signals then what your 'gut instinct' is telling you will only get stronger, versus if you don't listen to those cues, then they will get weaker, and your sense of self and boundaries will lessen.
I had a great test from the universe the other day, I'm not a big drinker these days and went out with my girlfriend for dinner in Bali to catch up after a long time. Afterward she said she was talking to a guy and could I go with her to a bar where she would meet him, so she wasn't alone. We went to this bar, and my girlfriend meets her guy, and I'm happily wing-womaning her in this situation until some guy comes up to me, showering me in compliments, calling me beautiful, trying to buy me a drink, and laying it on thick. I was immediately taken aback, who was this random stranger, asking for my number, wanting to take me out, trying to talk to me, buy me drinks, even trying to kiss me on the cheek – woah, woah buddy, slow down. Funny thing is, he was exactly my usual type, a successful businessman, older than me by few years, a hipster covered in tattoos (don't ask, it's always been my weakness.), he also made intelligent conversation, and we liked a lot of the same things. So, what am I moaning about, and why was it a test from the universe? Well, first of all, just because we frequented some of the same places didn't mean we were romantically compatible and usually all those materialistic attributes (owning lots of companies) would have impressed me, but since he owned bars and restaurants, I knew he was out drinking and socializing every night of the week. And frankly, that lifestyle doesn't align with my own or where I'm trying to go in life. So when I met him the first thing I asked myself was, is this something I wanted to entertain and the answer was a flat out – no! It's funny how his lifestyle and work would usually have been something I glossed over, but we spend 90% of our lives working, and since I've been doing so much inner work I was like 'Nope, this is not my person,' and that's all that mattered. That deep sense of knowing that this person isn't for me and that I didn't want to date someone who wasn't spiritually aligned and was out at his bar every night till the wee hours - no matter how cute he was.
The point of me sharing this with you is that as well as listening to your gut instinct, you also have to decide when entertaining the idea of bringing someone into your life if your lifestyles are complimentary. If they aren't then that's fine, that doesn't make them a bad person, they are just aren't heading in the same life direction as you and trust me, it's better to realize that now than 5 years down the road. You could think 'oh no, you just need to go with the flow' but from personal experience I've been with the flow long enough to know what I want and what I don't, because as the saying goes, one day you will look back and realize all the little things in life were actually the big things. So what partners we do want and how do we identify that?
Okay, this might sound a little unusual, but everything starts out as a thought in your mind, right? Probably like the chair or bed you're sitting on, that was once a thought in someone's mind, and the same goes for our romantic partners. What kind of feelings do you have about the romantic partners you want? Do you have positive thoughts, or do you just know the type of person you don't want? Often from past experiences, we formulate this idea of what we don't want, but we actually need to flip that psychology and focus on what we do want.
Ask yourself what you want in a partner. To manifest what you want, you must first know what you want. So, what qualities do you desire in a partner? Someone kind, loving, and adores you? Someone who wants to make a difference in the world? Someone who believes in you? Great. Now, make a list of all the qualities you wish to then (this is the important part) feel that this person is. When you can feel the person who has the qualities that you love (before he or she shows up), then you're getting closer to him or her being here.
Be the qualities that you're seeking in someone else.
This step is crucial; we can only manifest qualities that we also possess. In fact, we manifest what we are. If you want a loving partner, then you have to be a loving person in the world. If you want a partner who is driven, you have to be driven yourself! Knowing this, look at your list from Step 1 and ask yourself, "Am I embodying these qualities, too?" If not, you have a little work to do.
Where people typically go wrong with this step is we want a person to take care of us in a way that we aren't taking care of ourselves. For example, you want someone who thinks you're beautiful because you don't believe you're beautiful. Or you want someone who offers you security because you don't feel secure yourself. This will never work. Instead of trying to fill what's missing in your life with another person, be the things you desire. This will speed up the process of finding the right person.
Feel the love you want in a relationship before the relationship exists.
This step is the most difficult for people — you have to feel the results before they arrive. This simply means that you have to feel fabulous now if you want to manifest a relationship that feels fabulous! You have to feel appreciated and cherished now if you're going to feel that way with a partner! Where people go wrong with this step is they believe that a relationship will make them feel a certain way. Again, this is using a relationship to fill a hole within yourself. I think this is the biggest reason there is so much dissatisfaction in relationships today; we unintentionally use other people to make ourselves feel whole.
And it never ever works.
The biggest secret to creating a life you love is that it happens from the inside out. When you find passion, drive, beauty, and magnificence within yourself, then the whole world starts to experience you that way, too. And this is how you manifest what you need for soul growth and happiness. And no matter what you've been through, believe in yourself. Believe in love. Believe in having the relationship you want. When you know that you can be, do and have anything you desire, there's no choice but for it to show up in front of you. So give yourself the opportunity!